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(2 Teardrops | bleed through) [27 Jun 2007|05:57pm] Tell me this little man isn't going to be a heartbreaker!

(3 Teardrops | bleed through) yup [06 Jul 2006|10:20am] soo less than a month til my little man is here. never would have thought last summer id be having a baby this year!heres a pic of the belly i cant shrink it bc im stupid soo sorry about that. for anyone who thinks i look as funny as i think i do while pregnant you better get your cameras out reaalllly soon and track me down... im actually all about belly pictures.. not sure if ill ever go through this again might as well remember it!

(1 Teardrop | bleed through) baby [20 Mar 2006|07:49am] SO yea i totally never post on here all i do is read is everyone elses journal. but im bored and have time to waste which i would love to do but little man in my belly is moving all around and i cant get comfy. yea for any of yous that read this which im sure is few and didnt know. yes im pregnant. a little over 5 months with a boy. crazy how fast life changes! hes gonna be the most handsomest! hes kneeling in my belly!

(bleed through) party possibly [17 Jun 2005|08:47am] [ mood | chipper ] Ok so keller and i wanna throw a super awesome diner party this saturday. LOTS of food alcohol music and whatnot. coolest prson at the party recieve a nice departing gift. soo if your interested and i havent invited you yet bc i havent gotten around to it. call teh cell or email me at dilutedillusion0@aol.com . i really have been just posting places since this is last minute. but dont miss out onn FUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!! peace hope to hear from you

(bleed through) [04 May 2005|08:12am] [ mood | sick ] so yea things are actually pretty good right now except for thr fact that im kinda sick. good news on that is my temp is down from 102 to 100. soo im getting there. Ofcourse ill still be at work because miss a day of work???? hmm never... yea ok. I was at Evan's on monday night and were were such the old couple in a way it was kinda cute. We ditched everyone got in our pj's he made me soup we both doped us up on some good ol drugs, ate , watched the simpsons and were in bed at like 11 after falling asleep on his couch. 11 for evan and i is crazy early. you can tell we both havent been feeling good.i've been soo busy anymore. between work(mon-fri 10-6) ive been called in early 4 times in the last week and a half, then babysitting overnite 3 days a week in jersy, being in reading with evan atleast one night a week or him being down here just has kept me crazy busy. soo i have my cousins wedding in 2 weeks. i totally wasnt going to go but then i got my own invite and one for a guest so i figured i could suffer if i dragged evan plus there will be alot of people there i want him to meet from far a way soo it'll be dealable. i bought my dress, its cute, was on sale and ill probably never wear again but hey.Umm oh yea had a freak accident with my hair. went to the sallon to get my hair stripped i decided if im gonna look a for a new job maybe pink hair isnt the best. trust me it was an emotional thing to part with just cause ive had it soo long.so yea they strip it. but hmmm stilll pink. soo they say theyll try something else that will work. foil comes off... wait what??? still light pink and bleach blonde with dark roots? oo hot! NOT!!!!!!!!!! so they dont charge me at all. i go home my hair drys, and my head is fucking fried!!!!!!!!!!! no wonder when i was crying they were soo nice knowing they fucked my hair royally. so now i look like an idiot with crazy color barbie textured hair. WTF? soo i had to take off from work and go to this special sallon on jersy called rizirii's or something like that. i had a consoultation, and they were like omg we'll totally squeeze you in. they did a few treatments in my hair to try and strengthen it. yea well then they looked at me and told me i had to part with as much of my hair as i could possibly let them. made me soo sad because ive been tryin g to grow it . soo i let them cut 7 inches off up to right below my sholder, they did some crazy style and it feels alot better. as for the color in some weird way after the haircut it didnt look that bad, the hair dresser was totally like "you can pull this color off i acually really like it." soo im keeping if for now, using crazy conditioner in my hair to make it healthy again so then i can dye it again, dying it now my hair might break right off. soo yea.... so im looking at these houses for rent with michaeleen this week. should be interesting

(bleed through) anyone? [08 Apr 2005|01:25am] so my boyfriend will be in town tomorrow night and i want to do something and for him to meet all my friends. anyone know of anything good going on?

(bleed through) yay [21 Mar 2005|10:47pm] [ mood | chipper ] So finally i feel like something reallllllllly good has happened to me. something that has made me soo happy the last week or so. it was crazy unexpected and overwhelming.but im not gonna talk about it anymore right noe because i dont want to jinx it. because it feels crazy too good to be true. hehe(giggles)! but anyways. I'll link u to it later, this really awesome photographer Solstyce CAle took some pictures of me and theyre amazing. i gotta run for now but ill be back to link

(2 Teardrops | bleed through) blah [09 Feb 2005|08:01pm] yeah sooo hmmmmm. i feel like such crap im in such a weird place in my life right now. i NEED to have something really good happen to me right now.a little good luck would go a long way right now. i have soo much on my mind and nothing is going my way. i just want/ NEED some stability in my life. things of my own. not alot to ask for. i need a better job(one that pays more),a place of my own( i just want to have my stuff all in one place even if its just a room), to feel comfortable again, not worry all the time, i want my car to stop being a jerk, i want 2not be sick, i want my phone not to break, i want stupid assholes to stop hitting my fucking car, i need to go back to school, but when you feel as confused miserable and uncomfortable as i do right now. Imagine having nothing stable in your life. i mean nothing except for your job and knowing u have to give that up because nothing else will change til you do that. then u try and give it up and have trouble finding something else. And all in all in the end, i wnat to look to my mom to make things ok and i dont have that. makes me missing her everyday worse. I didnt choose to have my life this way. i cant convey my feelings right now.i sound like a whiny stupid asshole and i dont care. i cant rememeber when i last felt this depressed. i havent wanted to talk to anyone.just kind of wallow in my own misery. The few good things i thought i had in my life are even withering away. im realising theres a good chance that they wont work out. not on my part, and i really wanted them to, more then anything. i hope its just that im looking down on everything but im not sure taht what it is. all i want is a little i mean tiny bit of attention all im asking for. im out

(bleed through) im still alive [10 Jan 2005|07:00pm] So hmm whats been going on? Umm kirbee the car has been a little fresh lately. 1100 dollars later we should be good for a while besides an oil change next week im assuming becuse i only have 500 miles until im due for one. but this weekend should definately take care of that. friday i have off from work and have lunch with miss jen tiano and then im going to long island to see ERICK. soo im excited about that. hes had soo much on his mind lately and ive been pretty worried, but as of yesterday he seemed back to him old self. im curious to see his new doo in person. im sure it'll be hot. ive been seeing him alot more lately which has been really cool. im excited to give him his xmas presents! then on saturday i have to drive home then pick up kelly, melissa, and possibly keller and drive up to allentown for a show. that should be pretty fun. then sunday is addy's christening. soo its time to get all dressed up nice and stuff.soo 500 miles easy this weekend. i got my crazy new tattoo ive been talking about for the last month. it hurt waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay bad i dont recomend a tattoo there to anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oooo and question:, this was the conversation that my tattoo artist tried having with me while he dragged the needle across my skin. this is a survey soo comment what you think. IS A HAND JOB SEX??????. i think no. it is a sexual act but definately not sex. i consider sex intercourse. he thinks that it is sex. soo far from the drunken text and calls made on saturday night the count is up to 37 no and 2 yes'. Saturday night was fun kelly and i rounded up some drinks and headed up to glenside to hang out at jackie's.always entertaining. Ryan asked if id be interested in moving into an apartment with him. since hes been looking and would need roommates. i said possibly to just let me know what hes looking at and we'll go from there. soo that should be interesting. umm work is gay everyones quiting! big surprise though. and i can name 4 ppl whose days are numbered as well. soo things are looking up at work dont they seem? but things are going alright. keeping crazyyyyyyyyyyyyy busy as of late! ill update more later. byyyyyyyyyyes

(1 Teardrop | bleed through) [09 Nov 2004|12:12am] Dude i cant belive its novemeber already. last month flew by . i did some aweosme stuff and i didnt do some stuff i really wanted to attempt to do. o well.halloween was pretty fun. i basically dressed up as me in slight variations. me as a fairy, we all know how angelic i am! well sorta. then i dressed up as a devil. because we know im evil. well sorta.... well anyways all together. less then 15 dollars was spent. worked for me. im gonna start working on next years halloween costume. i will be rainbow brite next year i wiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllll be! so im hoping this month is a month of surprises. i really hope something big happens . makes me wantto pick up my life and make a huge change. im just waiting for the opportunity. maybe it'll fall in my lap. id love for some random person to im me or run it to me and be like.'move here and heres a job in this crazy town". i dont care if it was a shitty job as long as it was fun and id like to meet some new ppl with some awesome character.i'd love to just pick up and do soemthing different. its gay to be at a standstill and i need to grow some balls about this situation. i need some change. i know what i want to do i just need to do it. and find ways to do it cause in reality how often does something amazing fall in your lap? not often. I wish some one else just had my vision and would do this with me. id love to move somewhere open a little shop, have my own designs in it and have really amazing art to sell in it to, i just wanna be creative. i wanna do hair ,makeup, design, art, photography, i want ppl to know who i am. i just wanna be something bigger then i am. Sometimes in situations its easier and better to start brand new then trying to rebuild. i feel like im gonna be stuck here forever. its been 11 months now since the fire, ive been small things to move on but i feel like im stuck in a rut. one that just requires a change. took these crazy pictures of me today ill post them soon. and called kay after all this time and shes gonna call me to set up time for a shoot. im excited i love her pictures, and i trust her.soo anyways if anyone knows someone who wants to through some postitive crazy change my way go for it! question when u were little did u ever have trouble realising yoru reality? i used to always think what was reality was a dream and that oneday i would wake up and it wouldnt be me, that i would have just been a figure in someones dream. yea i know.soo hmm..

(bleed through) [20 Oct 2004|12:36am] so update a quick one. so to recap the last 2 months and change. umm i drove all around. hung out down in wildwood alot. got a few new piercings. got in a gay car accident. KIrbee(my car) is costing me 600 as of now. the mechanic screwed it up at first gay again. umm drove to scranton it was fuuuuun! umm wentto ozzfest also goood times.got a crappy raise at work. been babysitting Eli from work alot.DRove to long island this past sunday to hang out with erick.Kelly and keller came. we partied it up. had a concert in my car. got lots of neon pink stuff.umm went to jamies last show with DES and he sang my song. it was awesome.been hanging with a bunch of new ppl.All quite fun.umm and i dunno what else later ill add

(1 Teardrop | bleed through) [15 Aug 2004|07:41pm] Hey guys, im taking len to sesame place on tues . and i really want ppl to go with us. soo if you want go comment thanks!

(2 Teardrops | bleed through) [22 Jul 2004|12:48am] hmmmmmm.. soo whats been going on? lets see ummm i got my liscence which is definately a good thing.i took my test at neshaminy and i was soo scared because ive heard soo many rumors about how hard it is and how everyone there fails their first time.Although my test ran 3 hours late and my instructor didnt feel like waiting in line and made me doo a different route it was good. PERFECT score.Thats means all but shit.And and how about this the supervisior of the center had to due my liscence because the dup machines were down soo i had to take a whole new pic and whatever, so were talkin and somehow he asked me if id leik to model and that hes a free lance photogrpher. seems like a normal guy. then i talk to him the next night and he meantions fantasy pictures. CLICK went the phone.lol So yea anyways i also bought a car. Nothing fancy or expensive. ITs a 97' Kia, its black with a little pink strip on it. i put muppet babies up in the back and i have a pink bobblyhead flamingo in the front of my car. How cool is that may i ask? So i have no luck soo lets see how long this driving thing last. Yea sooo ive been a crazy hanson stalker the last week or soo i feel like im 13 again. I went to see them play at the electric factory on july 10th. Dude that show was soo crazy i went down mad early with ppl and i was still like 40 in line and i got there at 8 am. gay shit. there were soo many different lines for different things. i have never seen such a mess at the electric factory. there were 31 girls who slept over night for either one or two nights before, they had a special line, then fan club and other wrist bands. Crazy is all ill say. Another crazy thing is that i had 17 ppl there with me who would think you could round up that many ppl for hanson? soo then i went to ny last thursday and hung out with a bunch of girls i had met from shows and whatnot. i took the train up with kelly and nicole. soo friday we woke up checked into our hotel and erick came into the city for a visit with me. He waited in the hot gross line with us how nice. i also got out of line to go to lunch with my step sister and her hubby. it was soo good to see them i feel liek i really get along with them and i never get to see them. i also shopped got new outfit and amazing make up. NEON EYELINER ive been loooking for along with all these neon eyeshadows i was soo excited to find them.soo its been awesome craziness. I LOVE NEW YORK I WANNA MOVE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ooo hmm dawn is leaving Little Learners soo im sad. ummm my birthday is teh sunday after next. i wa sgonna go crazy but teh closer it comes i start to feel sadder soo im tryin gto not think about it. well theres an update

(1 Teardrop | bleed through) [29 May 2004|12:34pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | "broken Angel"-hanson ] so update...Work has been work, crazy since were shorthanded in my room ofcourse. Im looking for a second job even if its just babysitting like a day or two a week, just a little something to help with a car and the rent and what not.Umm.. been sick and cant seem to shake this whatever it is off my DR says it has to run its course and itll go away how long is its course?lol.Ummm my Dr sent me to get an Echocardiogram done this week and it was weird i felt like my mom, i just remember being the one in the waiting room waiting for her. I think the whole test is just an excuse for a middle age man to rub gel around my boobs. Results in two weeks and i could care less im sure nothing ia all too wrong. My DR just heard a heart murmer when listening to my chest and the fact that ive never had one before she just wanted to check it out.Took a trip to long island with nicole about a month ago it was really fun we had a good time hanging out with erick and all. the following monday went to NYc with Angelea for the day acted really stupid and did the whole gay trl thing. we met really nice people when we were there soo that was really fun.Most fun ive had since everything has happened. i felt like i was 13 again and loved it. Went to a movie theater and actually saw hanson there. we had heard rumors but didnt think they'd show but they did. Soo that was fun i was excited lol!Went to my first real college party, im not a big party person but i had soooooooooo much fun. I stayed down drexel with Keller Ang and Jess at ang's bf apt. Ran into my first grade buddy acted crazy. it was soo funny. there was silly nakedness and really drunk people. 5 of us crammed onto this one bed to sleep. slept for like four hours and woke but and had a target party with keller and the family! I have 2 trips planned down the shore already ,a place booked for one. and a trip to nyc for two days with nicole and kelly we got an amazing deal on a hotel thanks to nicoles friend nick. its gonna cost us 20 a person for the hotel all togther, and its a nice hotel were staying at the Meriot.ive been practicing driving and my goal is by the end of june to have my liscence. im taking 3 lessons this month and hopefully people will let my practie a bit more and ill be ready .i feel pretty confident as it is just need some practice with parking.Still trying to figure out the moving situation. ive kinda really been considering going away to school i really want to. i really want to go to school in nyc. i doubt that will happen but im looking into it. i want to go back to school and i wnat a chance to make a new life and kinda be by myself for a while on my own. i want something completely new, but i know i can always come back here.Umm been to teh cemetery alot lately, just want my mom to know how much i miss her. its weird when im standing here . its soo crazy to still belive and i guess the fact that her body isnt there. Its liek i saw it all happen but i guess if she could have had a normal burial and i could have seen her face that one last time it would would have been more a good bye. i think all teh time about everyone else reactions to what happened i dunno why i am soo much. i just tghink of random people i know and think about what they may have been thinking or feeling when tehy found out. what there reaction was when they got that call or when somebody told them. CAN heart murmers be caused my a tramatic thought, vision, memory experince? i know they cant be but i know still thinking about it makes my heart skip a beat.well im off to shower, leave me something, i miss people.

(2 Teardrops | bleed through) [11 Apr 2004|03:18pm] [ mood | depressed ] So i figure its time for an update since its been over 3 months since the last . Honestly though, how do you update a journal after reading and writing whats been posted in my past 4 entries. Everything i could say would be inferior to it.And its seems stupd to me to talk about the useless events thats happen on an everyday basis anymore. Also i dont want this journal to turn into something thats everyones reads and thinks "oh god this girl should just kill herself now instead of seeming all mopey and should just shut the fuck up". but for people who wondering how im doing and what im doing ill give the jist and leave out the emotions. im still working at the daycare and it has its ups and downs. Stupid women = Stupid drama so thats just a given. Ive been trying to do new things with the kids and balancing being incharge and still being friends and listening and working out problems on a non sided basis. umm. ive been living with my friend nicole and her family since early febuary and things are good here. Alot of people but we all get along well and i feel really comfortable. I got my permit a few weeks ago and soo ive been driving as much as i can when people actually let me drive. i drove to new hope last week it was like a 40 min drive each way. i feel i have a sense of a little escape. im moving to jersy by end of summer things are still in the works there. im really nervous and scared and ill stop before i get into a whole emotional rant again. today is easter soo yea,one thing i have to say is. Mom i can try and hope that u can hear me through my thoughts and that u know that there is no one id rather spend today with then you. Im sorry for always making it seems that having just you wasnt enough because when it came down to it having you is all that mattered. Throw in some tears and just pure guilt and anger and there are all those emotions again. those sneaky fuckers. anyways i miss you all and im sorry i neglect alot of you, i just cant really get back into the way things were, everytyhing is just soo different now,ive gotten rid of alot of stuff that i needed to but i feel liek ive lost alot of goods things on the way. im nowhere near up to par yet or things being normal but at some point not just through my workings alone id liek to intergrade the old into the new as well.

(2 Teardrops | bleed through) hmm.. [01 Jan 2004|10:57am] woo hoo happy fuckin new year!NOT! ya know how new years comes and your suppose to try and start anew? well i literally have too.i honestly cant belive this has happened, i feel like im dreaming or she in for a normal hospital visit and im staying with lisa and that my mom will be home soon.ill walk in that door and she'll ask"casey?" ill go in her room lay on th end of her bed and i'll listen to her talk on the phone ,she'll get off the phone and she'll talk to me for a few,"how were the kids today?" but in reality that'll never happen again. ill never see my mom again. when my mom hugged me she always hugged me soo tight like noone else, i knew i was her everything and even though we had our issues with communicating she was mine. my mom was my whole comfort in life, and my biggest supporter. people tell me to have faith, an everything has a reason. now what was this reason or purpose? if she had to go could it have been crueler? no way you can justify that she desreved that to me. and i will NEVER understand why this has happened. im 19 and without the one person who meant most. i cant imagine what to do without her. i know i have to move on but its just really hard to function sometimes. people are like your doing great. am i?why do good ppl die? my mom wanted nothing more then to be with me.was that too much to ask?My mom cried on thanksgiving morning when i read my journal and found out tina's mom had died. i asked her why she was crying because she never knew tina or her mom. She said to me"it just scares me that that could be me and i wont see your grow up". i said "mom it wont be you just just being over emotional". that night at dinner she gave a speech saying how much she really loved me and chrissy and brianne and how she was thankful for everyday with us.then on december 1st it was tina's mom's veiwing me and some girls from work went and we were talking in the car and saying how we couldn't imagine what we would do if were were tina losing her mom and i was saying i wouldnt know how to function cause my mom was everything. the next night and less then a week later then thankgiving that was my mom.when i was on the scene of the fire i was screaming this is a dream and i was begging people to tell me taht it was but they couldnt cause it was my reality. i never thought id be where i am now in 2004. i just dont want to be a burden to ppl even though they insist im not i just dont want to bother anyone i hate needing other ppl but i do need ppl now. everyones been soo welcoming to me. but no one has that comfort of being my mom and MY home. but im lucky to have really supportive good people who care. i cried last night for and hour and a half and got myself more sick then i already am so lisa and i stayed in plus there wasnt much to do and i was really sick. lisa and i and her brother and his friends sat on the couch as it hit midnight and didnt move. woo hoo new year. this year will definately being a year of life changing things and will push me to make alot of hard decsions. all i know is that i dont want to take anything for granted but i also now im not ready to fully blown live my life yet either, im just working on trying to fuctioning normally. i dont think 2004 could be worse then 2003 soo i guess that a plus.

(2 Teardrops | bleed through) [07 Dec 2003|05:10pm] just wanted to thank every one who came yesterday. you have no idea how much that meant to me, my mom was buried with friends and loved ones all around, your support is all that gives me hope soo i appreciae it soo much. that storm was her, always needing the drama wanted to make it hard for her burial make us all work a little..those red roses in that white snow were such an amazing picture, i hope u all got to see my mom in those pictures and maybe feel her love a little bit. thanks all.. im off lay down a bit.. honestly tho i dont kno how to even thoink about rebuilding yet.

(bleed through) [05 Dec 2003|11:49pm] her memorial is still on for tomorrow soo everyone knows, thank you all soo much

(6 Teardrops | bleed through) [03 Dec 2003|11:57pm] My mom's services will be held this coming saturday at maternity bvm church on old buslton ave were greeting ppl at 9 and teh service is at 10. the burial is at resurrection cemetary.EVERYONE IS WELCOME AN APPRECIATED your support for me and my mom mean everything. something to hold on to a bit. Thanx you soo much everyone, im trying to cope just it plays over and over like a nightmare in my head. just dont know whats going to happen or anything..

(13 Teardrops | bleed through) worst thing taht could ever happen [03 Dec 2003|06:23am] what you have heard is true. there wasa fire at my place last night. my mom was killed.i tried to save her but i couldnt do it,i tired, and tried until i was burning and couldnt breathe through teh smoke.i knoew when i lwft the house to call 911 she was gone.and that horrifying picture of her burning is burned into my mind. she died of my worst fear, burning.i wont go into detail, just neeeded to vent a little since irs impossible to sleep. my world is gone.for everyone who knew my mom she was teh nicest lady she'd give or do anything she could for anyone and she appreaciated all teh conversations all of you had with her. i just wish i could have been a better daughter. and i wish we could have found taht line of communication. my mom sincerly was my everything, for anyone who really knew me knew that. i dont even knoww. how to even start to rebuild, my life to me gone in an instant infront of my eyes.something ill never forget. out of everything that could have happen why this? it makes me wish in some way that she would have died on that respirator 10 years ago, it would have been soo less cruel.but im happy(a word i dont know how to use right now)to have had her for what i did...i...just...im still in the smoking burnt clothes jutd kinda fell into bed at michealeen's. illpost and let everyone know when services r held. everyone is welcome and appreciated. i love you mommy i cant belive your not here anymore, please tell me its a dream, i want you to know mom that u r everything mywhole support and taht i was soo wrong a bitter about everything, i didnt know who to deal with those angry and depressed feelings from when you were sick and i took them out in teh wrong way. you are a great person and teh nicest most caring supportive loving mother.i cant imagine living life without you. all i can do is try. ill try and make u proud and ill try and find micheal.your constantly and will alway be on my mind. your my mommy my everything. thank for supporting me guys.

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